Instead of saying NO, start saying YES: An Invitation to Wholeheartedness
They were exhausted. Co-pastoring as a married couple was challenging, but doing it through a challenging Covid-season of church ministry pushed them to their limits. Seminary-trained pastors, they'd learned on the fly how to be Zoom masters, live video producers, CDC policy enforcers, conspiracy theory debunkers, and virtual pastoral counselors. They were grateful to have each other - they'd heard stories of pastors doing this alone. But, with three kids under 5, they were also juggling child care and wearying quickly without the support of community.
"We just need to learn to say no more," she said. "We've taken on too much." And it seemed like good, sound advice. "We need better boundaries," he replied. And I nodded, offering some empathy amidst our Zoom counseling session. Indeed, learning to say NO is sometimes the first step for those of us who over-function and over-work. Books like Boundaries have gained such resonance because of the simple wisdom of acknowledging our limits, the simple wisdom of saying NO.
But at some point, they had to journey further, into the more challenging terrain of their longings, where they'd face harder questions that couldn't be answered with a simple boundary. What does my soul need? Do I want to be here? What is a faithful way forward? They leaned in to listen to a question I posed, the question Jesus asked most frequently: What do you want? And as they listened, they realized that while they could say NO, they were struggling to find their YES.
On the other side of NO is our authentic YES. This YES emerges from our deepest sense of self, where with courage and clarity we give our full consent. Perhaps you like me have said yes many, many times from a place of obligation or guilt, because you don't want to disappoint or let down another. But this isn't your authentic YES. It's often half-hearted, offered from a part of us that learned a long time ago to keep the peace, to meet the need.
In chapter 4 of my book Wholeheartedness I offer poetry of wholeheartedness and self-compassion. One of my favorites, a Mary Oliver poem, begins with the words "One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began." Oliver reflects on those moments where we discover our authentic YES, and act. In these lovely (and often rare) moments, we are doing more than saying NO. Instead, we're stepping into the depths of ourselves, living from our whole heart. From this place, we find ourselves resilient, alive, free.
But this first step into our YES requires courage, because we often do have to leave something or someone behind. We may have to leave behind work that paid the bills or a relationship that met needs or a church that couldn't steward our deepest questions. We may experience sadness, shame, or anger at ourselves for staying too long, for living half-heartedly. Tears may accompany us beyond our lesser YES's into our wholehearted ones.
But I've also found that you discover Jesus along this narrow way, the courageous one whose YES led him into places of both beauty and terror, and who reveals to us what it means to be fully alive. That's where I want to be, even if it comes with a cost. And while saying NO every now and then may make my life a bit easier, I'd like to choose the YES's that lead to a life of freedom, hope, even wholeheartedness.
What about you?